Monday, June 25, 2012

4 Days...

I'll be 30 in 4 days.  I spent most of my 20's looking forward to 30 for some reason.  I'm going to try to go into this without sounding corny and artist-y.  I've learned I do that well though.  30 for me means acceptance.  I've talked a lot about how I want to spend the rest of my life and I think after all the talking and trying out other career choices and personalities or whatever the one that makes me feel the most me is art.  I love putting words on a page and seeing what happens next.  I kinda went from the journal carrying nerd ready to accept inspiration at every turn into this sort of recluse.  Yeah I said it.  I'm a recluse.  But I needed that time to work on who I am and who I wanted to be.  What fits me and what makes me happy.  In doing that I've also spent a lot of time depriving myself of what makes me feel most in my element.   I need to seek out the beauty in things again.  I need to find my inspiration again.  My fingers are ready to write again.  I've been lying to myself and trying to keep them busy buy doing absolutely everything else.  Yeah I like knitting and crochet and crafty things but I realize now that it's good busy work to keep from doing what I really want to be doing.

I know I'm rambling.  It's 1:24 in the morning and I'm thinking about the things that I'm inspired by.  I need more music, I need more poetry and interactions with people who share similar interest.  I think what I'm trying to say is that my self inflicted lockdown is over and I'm restless.  I need to get out and find my inspiration again.  I'm ready to travel and be the journal carrying nerd I used to be.  I'm fresh out of journals if you want to gift me one or several for my birthday.  I want to be inspired to do this thing that I love so much again.

That's how I plan to spend this next decade that's before me.  Finding inspiration in things and turning them into words or photographs or painting.  I have never painted a thing before but I feel the urge to give it a try.  Who knows.  This is what I'm supposed to do.  It's how I was made.  I'm arty.  That's cool I guess. Either way the motto for this new decade is "Fuck Fear".  I've let it hold me back too long.  If that makes me the writer/arty type that's "starving"*  I'm cool with that.  I just know I can't stand in my own way for too much longer.

Here's to 30, ya'll.

*but for real ya'll aren't going to let me starve right?  ;)  (This plan has no room for starving though I'm just saying that's been a real fear)

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