Friday, November 15, 2013

Me Time (Alternate Title: I'm Probably a Selfish Bitch)

I'm going to preface this with I don't know who reads this if anyone but I've written and deleted this about 100 times I have to write it and post it.  I don't want to hurt feelings and step on toes or call anyone out.  I'm just writing how I feel.  I FEEL.  MY FEELINGS.  Okay....alright.

I have kind of accidentally on purpose distanced myself from people.  There was one event fairly recently that was kind of a last straw and I removed myself.  It was the last time I cried.  I'm not going to go into detail because I don't think it's necessary.  I called my sisters and talked to my mom to see if I was being unreasonable in my feelings and was reassured that I wasn't overreacting in my decision to distance myself for a bit.  I didn't go out with a bang and declare that I was taking a break but just decided to stop showing up, to be brief in messages, to avoid phone calls.  I gave myself the end of the year.  I'd take my time I'd sort out my feelings and at the beginning of the year I'd be back ready to "be" again.  The problem with that is that when you break and you don't tell people they make their own decisions and some or all of them discover that you're kind of disposable.  And that hurts.  I know I've probably hurt some feelings, too.  I've missed very important, once in a lifetime, you should definitely have your people with you events.

I know.  I suck.

No to explain a little.  I know now that no one changed but me.  I'm miserable.  I'm probably depressed again.  That's not an excuse but I'm totally oblivious to my own mental health until I get really bad.  I'm know I'm not living.  I'm just kind of existing and I don't know how to change it. I know now that I didn't want to miserable around people.  My people.  My people who could see through all my bullshit and the I'm okays and I'm cools. So I removed myself.  I convinced myself that I didn't need them.  Because I'm a textbook case of the blahs or whatever.  I can't attribute everything to my blahs, though.  I know I could have been better but I think everyone could have been better.  We could have reached out more.  I felt left out a lot and I think was a little of everyone's doing.  There is plenty of not calling or whatever enough to go around.  I know I didn't do a lot because of the lack of employment and money but I could have done better.  Distance wasn't the answer here.  I could have spoken up and been more available when my finances allowed and just been less miserable altogether but alas.  Welcome to this dumbass circle of reasoning that has become my life. Distance works with other people but not these people.  I need these people.  I miss these people terribly and I'm afraid I've burned all my bridges forever.  I'm too old to find new people.  I'm too me to find new people.

So I'm sad now.  I don't know.  I just want everything back to normal.  So I think I'm going to take the rest of my time for myself.  I'm going to cry and I'm going to work on me and I hope at the beginning of the new year I'm not so miserable anymore.  That I'll be equipped to be someone's person again.  That things just feel normal and hope there's still someone left willing to put up with my shit.  I'm hoping there still is.

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