Detox

It's a new year.  I needed a break from my social media.  So I decided to take a month.

An. Entire. Gotdamn. Month. 

Because reasons. 

So here I am five days in renegotiating deals with myself.  Because I'm an addict, apparently or because this SF vs. GB game is the reason that people drink/do drugs/zone out on social media.  Either way the kid might don't make it.  

However, in an effort to keep from cheating on myself I'm going to make of list of things I could be doing instead of obsessing about what I'm missing on FaceTagramTwiUmblr.  Off we go:

1.  Make a list of other shit I could be doing.

2.  Actually study something

3.  Watch the last season of <insert show here>

4.  Write (Boom! Done!)

5.  Attempt to groom the dog.  Fail.  Consider trading the dog for a chinchilla.

6.  Bake/Cook something

7.  Obsess over the Seahawks and upcoming playoff games

8.  Refresh your Feedly...again

9.  Wonder why you didn't give up Feedly, too. 

10. Homework 

11. Call your sister and ask what her 2 month old is doing

12. Call other sister.  Ask what her 4 year old is doing.

13. Call Dad ask the most random of questions. 

14. Wash. Rinse. Repeat

That's a good start.  I'll add as I think of stuff.  

2013...

I'm feeling sappy.  Sue me.  Or don't.  All I have is a dog and I promise you don't want her.

I'm not making resolutions because I don't keep them.  The only thing I want to accomplish in 2014 is more.  I want more of everything:  Experiences, love, travel, art, writing, reading, living.  I want to finally feel comfortable in the scary space I keep avoiding that's just outside of my comfort zone.  2013 was a transition and I may physically sit in the same space I was last year but I feel changed.  I hope that this upcoming year and every one that follows is beautiful and full of all the more this chick can handle.  I hope the same for anyone reading.  Happy New Year, ya'll.

You Don't Own the Monopoly on Tired

That's actually the entire post.  The title.  That probably could have been a tweet.  Well...this is awkward.

Work and Whatnot

I haven't shared with anyone (because reasons) but I'm knee deep in the process of filing for disability again.  My fibromyalgia is getting worse because I'm not able to manage it because I can't afford to because I don't have insurance because I'm not working. I know the ACA (Affordable Care Act) will assist in the management/insurance part but right now I'm not doing very awesome healthwise.  I have a gang of new symptoms which are probably related to that almost really bad fall I had about a month ago.  Anyway that's not why I came here today.

I've been living at home (it has it's moments, this isn't one of them) for some time now.  My mom has been mostly understanding about everything.  I happily give all that I have when I have it to help with the running of the house.  It's irregular but every penny I can manage to scrape up helps some.  Things were going pretty well until my mom quit her last job because she was unhappy and she wasn't making enough to run the house with the little that my grandmother begrudgingly pitches in every month.  Finding a new job has been a challenge to say the least.  She's kind of in a position where she's either way overqualified and asking for more than the companies are willing to pay or her degrees aren't in specifically what the job is looking for.  Good times, no?

We're getting by.  We've had to sell some things to pay some bills but we still have a place to live and food and whatnot.  Here's the problem.  I received notice today that from where I am in the process it may take another 18-20 months before anything substantial happens. The reaction to that was "you're going to be out of work for two more years?  No, you're going to have to go get a part time job or something."  I explained that would basically put an end to any possibility of being approved.  I'm trying to prove to these people that I cannot do any type of work.  If I go back to work and I make more than a little over $1,000 a year (roughly $89.00 a month) my claim gets denied.  All of this work I've done so far was for nothing and I go back into the work for a year, get dumb sick, quit or get fired because I was dumb sick, take a year off, wash, rinse, repeat.  Instead of just going through the disability process.  I was fired from my last job because my liver/gallbladder situation was/is doing something it has no business doing.  I still don't know what because I was fired and I lost insurance before I could go to 5 million doctors to get a definite answer.

So now I'm stuck.  I feel guilty.  Do I throw out my claim and my spot in line for disability and go back to work?  I know we are in a tough spot now and don't know if the response that I got today was because we are facing a bunch of bills that need to be paid right very soon or if I have truly worn out my "sick time" here at home.  Before I continued this process to this point I told everyone that it would be a long process.  It was fine when everyone else was working.  When and if I got approved my income would be something extra to the running of the house should I chose to stay (I don't think I would, because reasons).

I know right now I'm tired.  My liver/gallbladder situation has been hurting for days.  All of my joints hurt and my feet will not get warm.  I cannot afford another visit to the ER.  I'm tired and I don't know how much longer I can keep doing this.

Me Time (Alternate Title: I'm Probably a Selfish Bitch)

I'm going to preface this with I don't know who reads this if anyone but I've written and deleted this about 100 times I have to write it and post it.  I don't want to hurt feelings and step on toes or call anyone out.  I'm just writing how I feel.  I FEEL.  MY FEELINGS.  Okay....alright.

I have kind of accidentally on purpose distanced myself from people.  There was one event fairly recently that was kind of a last straw and I removed myself.  It was the last time I cried.  I'm not going to go into detail because I don't think it's necessary.  I called my sisters and talked to my mom to see if I was being unreasonable in my feelings and was reassured that I wasn't overreacting in my decision to distance myself for a bit.  I didn't go out with a bang and declare that I was taking a break but just decided to stop showing up, to be brief in messages, to avoid phone calls.  I gave myself the end of the year.  I'd take my time I'd sort out my feelings and at the beginning of the year I'd be back ready to "be" again.  The problem with that is that when you break and you don't tell people they make their own decisions and some or all of them discover that you're kind of disposable.  And that hurts.  I know I've probably hurt some feelings, too.  I've missed very important, once in a lifetime, you should definitely have your people with you events.

I know.  I suck.

No to explain a little.  I know now that no one changed but me.  I'm miserable.  I'm probably depressed again.  That's not an excuse but I'm totally oblivious to my own mental health until I get really bad.  I'm know I'm not living.  I'm just kind of existing and I don't know how to change it. I know now that I didn't want to miserable around people.  My people.  My people who could see through all my bullshit and the I'm okays and I'm cools. So I removed myself.  I convinced myself that I didn't need them.  Because I'm a textbook case of the blahs or whatever.  I can't attribute everything to my blahs, though.  I know I could have been better but I think everyone could have been better.  We could have reached out more.  I felt left out a lot and I think was a little of everyone's doing.  There is plenty of not calling or whatever enough to go around.  I know I didn't do a lot because of the lack of employment and money but I could have done better.  Distance wasn't the answer here.  I could have spoken up and been more available when my finances allowed and just been less miserable altogether but alas.  Welcome to this dumbass circle of reasoning that has become my life. Distance works with other people but not these people.  I need these people.  I miss these people terribly and I'm afraid I've burned all my bridges forever.  I'm too old to find new people.  I'm too me to find new people.

So I'm sad now.  I don't know.  I just want everything back to normal.  So I think I'm going to take the rest of my time for myself.  I'm going to cry and I'm going to work on me and I hope at the beginning of the new year I'm not so miserable anymore.  That I'll be equipped to be someone's person again.  That things just feel normal and hope there's still someone left willing to put up with my shit.  I'm hoping there still is.

Yeah...

Realizing that you're in that really not great place you've been trying to avoid for years and that there is nothing you can do about it.  Yep...I'm there.

On Dating Pt. 526,394

I've started the online dating thing again.  This is totally unrelated to the aforementioned "crush" that I have on someone else. Yesterday was a rainy Sunday of do nothingness so I decided to hang around on the sites that I'm a member and see what happens.  The headline for yesterday would be: "Today I met a communist, a complete (and possible stalker type) asshole and a really sweet, nerdy, cute guy who keeps asking me questions that sound like the worst job interview ever".  Things will be really conversational and then all of a sudden I get hit with "So any other cool stories you want to share?".  The confusion, ya'll.  The confusion.

I've opened and closed accounts roughly 3,000 (who's counting) times and each time I close them it's the LAST time because I really don't think I'm the target demo for dating sites. I'm too cynical and that's not something that at thirty-one I'm willing to change. I know real world dating involves kissing some frogs but at least there is actual kissing. More importantly there is no fear that Nev Schulman is going to chronicle your life on a very special episode of Catfish.  I was seriously so close to shutting down my accounts again and taking my chances elsewhere but elsewhere isn't exactly working either.  So I'm going to keep going forward with my twitchy block hand and hope that I weed out the real weirdos and meet someone amazing.  I'm ready for amazing.  Amazing would be everything right now.

I know if anyone is reading they were probably expecting me to bring up that "crush" (I keep putting that in quotes because I'm thirty-one gotdamn years old and crush sounds like some seventeen year old shit).  I'm not yet. I want to talk to an actual person who isn't my big little sister who has been pressuring me for weeks to just send him a FB message and hope for the best (under the OMG ya'll are supposed to be together clause).  I think if it's supposed to be it'll be.  Don't ask me how.  It'll be.  Because unicorns...and rainbows...and glitter.  Stop judging me.